I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
