Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
