My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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