Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
