i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
