Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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