I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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