I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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