Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
