I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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