Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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