Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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