you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
