Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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