Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
