I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
