i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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