I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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