DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
