i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
