She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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