I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
