apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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