if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
