she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
