Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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