Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
