His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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