Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
