and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
