just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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