and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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