oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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