That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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