Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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