I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
