I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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