Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
