we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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