I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
