Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
