He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
