MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize