So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
