I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
