there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
