She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
