my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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