sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Less talking, more tequila
There's always time for handjobs
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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