He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
