kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
