I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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