yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
