I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize