Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
