the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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