Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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