I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
