it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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