apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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